Estelle
23:04, 12th December
Chilled air wafted through my hair, basked in starlight and carnival luminescence. The wind was not quite strong enough to mess up the perm I just got today, but it was strong enough to bother James.
“Oh my, this darkness is even more comforting than the night sky,” he jested, pushing my hair out of his face.
“Sorry, sorry.” I laughed, pulling my hair back into a loose ponytail. With the wind no longer in between me and him, my hands reached out to pull him closer. Resting my head on the shoulder of his black puffer jacket, his warmth flowed through me as if I had just drunk hot chocolate.
“Alright, we’re near the end of the carnival already.” He tiptoed over the crowd ever-so-slightly growing in density. Lifting my head off his shoulder, I reached out to take his hand into mine. The feeling of holding each other’s hand never failed to make me smile, and I could see that on his face too.
The journey to the end of the carnival seemed uneventful, but on the inside, I was teeming with joy to see the familiar lights once more. Being in my first year of med school, it was hard to make time for myself, but I was trying. Usually, James was the one urging me to take my face out of my laptop, or my notes, or out of the library in general. However, today was different; I’d been the one to make the first move. He’d called it a pleasant surprise, and when he’d asked me why, I hadn’t known either. The stars just told me to do so, I’d insisted.
I actually wanted to spend some time on the carnival rides, but James finished work later than I did. To be frank, after he started his internship at a renowned architecture firm, we barely had time for ourselves, or each other—a stark contrast to the entire three years that we had been together, since meeting at the local diner, we have never not had the time to spend with each other. Movie dates, aquarium dates, study dates—we’d probably done everything, but the older we got, the more scarce the time we spent together became.
“Watch out, Estelle.” James’ arm shot across my chest. I had been wandering through my memories. I hadn’t realized I’d almost walked into the metal archway that opened into the hills. “I hope your future patients don’t have an arm or leg cut off accidentally during surgery,” he chuckled, as his fingers intertwined with mine once more.
“Haha, very funny, Mr Jameson.” I smirked.
“So where do we go now, Ms Estelle? Please lead the way.” His blue eyes turned to me.
“Okay, so we should just follow this path up the hill, and if we don’t make any wrong turns, we should be at the top in under 10 minutes,” I said, the harsh light from my phone attacking me through my glasses.
“Alright, there’s no time to waste then.” He rolled up his sleeve, stealing a glance at the silver and blue watch on his right wrist. “There’s 20 more minutes till midnight.”
“Thank you very much, dear. I was totally not just on my phone,” I joked, caressing the side of his neck.
“Oh, so I can’t be helpful now, can I?” he pouted, pulling me along as he began walking once more.
“Hey, don’t put words in my mouth now, Mr Jameson Reynold,” I said, half annoyed.
“Your wish is my command, Ms Estelle Lim.” He grinned with evident satisfaction, pace quickening until he was in front of me. “Anyways, why’d you wanna come here at this hour?”
“Midnights are our new afternoons, anyways. At what other time could we come here?” I replied, adjusting my red scarf that fluttered in the strong breeze.
“Good point,” he replied, as I took in the star-basked scenery, the wind whispering wishful lullabies into our ears.
“You know, I’m kinda surprised you actually agreed to come out today, considering you declined both times for New Year’s and Independence Day already.” I smiled.
“Oh, so I’m supposed to say no all the time now?” he joked.
“Oh my god, no.” I slapped his shoulder playfully.
As we walked further up the mountains that were laced in white, our shared warmth pushed me to further brave the steepening landscape until we arrived at a wide expanse of green verdant. “It’s beautiful, Estelle.” He let go of me, taking in the idyllic surroundings.
We tried to find a place to lay down together, wandering the prairies marked with less than a handful of imperfections. Soon enough, under the shade of midnight, we both laid down, the warmth we shared seeming to melt the slight traces of snow left. And in each other’s arms we lived for the next few minutes, our breaths intertwined.
My mind was blank. All I could hear was my heartbeat and his. Soon enough, like the tick of a clock at midnight, the sound of fireworks reverberated through the frigid air.
“Wow, it’s beautiful,” I uttered in amazement, tilting my head upwards to look at the sparks of gold, red and silver that blazed with passion against the ink-black sky.With James’ right hand gently rubbing against my chest and his other in my hair, this was all I could ever ask for.
This moment was perfect.
James
00:02, 13th December
This moment was far from perfect.
I could feel the blaze burn inside me, the dazzle of red and gold that embellished the horizons marred me instead.
A fire churned inside, one that I knew I could not pull myself from.
Not unless I…
No. I couldn’t lose her.
She was everything I could ask for. But the spirals I descended into told me otherwise.
It made the air thick, it made my vision cloudy, it made my throat stutter.
To be a star, you must first burn, rang in my head. I had to touch that star, I had to feel that heat, I had to be that star.
“James, are you okay?” She looked at me with concern, her hands retreating.
I wiped my damp lips and tried to speak. But I couldn’t form the words. My hands started to tremble weakly.
“James?” She inched further away from me, only for her hazel eyes to lock with my own blue gaze, pulling her right back in. “Everything good?”
I closed my eyes and imagined myself smashing the glass walls around me. I imagined myself walking out of the transparent spirals closing in on my form and into her presence. The Estelle in my head reached out to me and held onto my palms, clasping them together. It’s time.
I tried to grab for my voice, searching for it far and wide. “Estelle, I want to tell you something.” My voice trembled, fighting against my will.
“James, what is it?” She flipped her hair over her grey jacket, her silver earrings sparkling in midnight’s embrace.
“I remember you asked me why I never go out on New Year’s or Independence Day.” My eyes darted down her frame, staring at where her arms rested on the green grass.
“Yeah, why?” She looked perplexed.
“These fireworks make me want to touch a star. Feel one. Be one.”
“James… you’ll always be my star. No matter what.”
“No, you misunderstand. The star I talk about is the life that keeps us alive.”
“What do you mean?”
“Behind the sparkle in somebody’s eyes lies a sparkle of hope. A sparkle that shines against adversity. A sparkle that knows that nothing will extinguish it.”
She tilted her head ever so slightly, evidently trying to process my words.
“But this urge, this desire, this spiral mocks me. It tells me I can be the one to put it out and only gouging out someone’s beating heart satiates this feeling.”
Surprisingly, her composure did not change, but I could read that look in her eyes.
My heart shattered as if I had been shot with a firework.
“Estelle, no. I won’t ever hurt you,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to do this. Estelle, why would I want to murder innocent people? It’s this bad desire. I cannot resist it.” As the words left my mouth, I could feel the warmth rolling down my cheeks.
“James, you’re scaring me.” Now standing, she moved another step back.
“Estelle, please, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“James, how many people have you murdered?”
“It’s happened thrice, and only when I see these damned fireworks.”
She stood there frozen, as if time had stopped. Her ragged breaths told me otherwise, chest rising up and down like ripples atop still water—shallow, small, barely there.
I could almost taste the—disappointment? Disgust? Dread?—bubbling on her lips, a pitcher about to overflow. But I couldn’t let that happen, I knew the words she would utter next would shatter me.
I couldn’t take the risk of letting the spirals consume her too.
I had to act first.
“Estelle, am I still your star?”
Estelle
00:16, 13th December
The fear had dissipated. He didn’t have any weapons with him now, anyway.
But beneath the river of my fear, lay a rosy pasture waiting to bloom.
I didn’t care that he did this. I had a gut feeling that it wasn’t what he wanted either.
But I was appalled at myself.
Why? Why didn’t I want to slap him across the face? Why did I want to know more?
Maybe curiosity did truly kill the cat after all, and now, I was that cat walking to my death.
But my love made me reminisce about the countless conversations, laughter and stories we shared with each other. It was the fleeting flutters in my stomach, the stir of warmth in me, and the bad desires I yearned for that kept me wanting more of him.
So I wouldn’t let anything, not even the blood on his hands, get between us, because I knew more than I was letting on.
He can’t know, He can’t know that I need him. He can’t know that I need him more than this world.
James
00:17, 13th December
“I don’t know, James, this is a lot to take in.” Her composure was surprisingly settled.
The haze slowly returned, this blaze taunting me even more.
It poured into my atriums and ventricles, permeating every cell in my body. The uncomfortable spiral I walked down showed me the truth behind it all. My deepest and darkest desire. I’d kept it locked within the fifth chamber of my heart for so long, but the bursting flames in the sky were the key to unchain its doors—doors that held a carnival of bloodlust and blasphemy. It called my name, it asked me to partake in it, it asked me to walk into paradise.
A paradise I could only leave after a feast. It was irrelevant whether it was that of mine of someone else’s. But someone’s heart had to be sacrificed.
Anybody’s but hers.
I tried my luck, letting my mouth run. A desperate attempt to keep the madness inside me from consuming her too.
“Estelle, would you like to buy a ticket to my own carnival?”
“James, this is not the time.”
“It’ll be a festival of blood under the starry skies.” I reached out for her hand, hers accepting with barely any resistance.
“James, what?”
“Okay, what I’m trying to say is that either I kill someone, or I’m going to gouge my own heart out.”
I could feel her hands trembling in my own. The sight of her terrified eyes gnawed at my heartstrings.
I’d do anything for her, but I didn’t know how to change. I really didn’t.
“James, even if you were going to kill someone, how would you even—”
I placed my finger on her supple lips, silencing her instantly. In the distance, the final wisps of smoke dissipated into the night. I could feel the burning streaks of insanity slowly taking over my psyche.
I reached for the edge of my jacket, pulling it up slightly.
I could see the reflection of the moon in her eyes as she stared.
Stared at the bloodied knife tucked in the waistband of my pants.
Written By: Caelan
Edited By: Amberlyn
