Letter to Myself // 2018

Written by Natasha Effendy

 

Dear me,

 

Let’s face it. 2017 was half-crappy. You went through so much crap: social paranoia, strong insecurities/second-thinking, emotionally turbulent mood swings, moments when you hated yourself, when you thought it was futile, when you got hurt in every way, when you thought you weren’t good enough etc. You were suffocated, but you did that to yourself. You became a person I didn’t want to befriend, or even love. You grew cold, bitter and lonely. When I read your diary, it was depressing. It burned my eyes. You made it crystal clear you didn’t even like yourself to begin with. In other words, the world wasn’t exactly in a good position in 2017, but I don’t wanna talk about that now.

 

At the same time, in the midst of the tempest, I see a fraction of hope that could promise good things. 2017 was also half-great. It was a year of many firsts for you: high school graduation, a new computer, going to college, meeting new people, going to a new country etc. New things exploded like fireworks in your face; you couldn’t avoid it. Your poetry and music taste evolved just a bit. Also, you read many good books this year. Now that I think of it, some good stuff did happen. This year was good enough, but it needed just a little more improvement. Just a little

 

Shh. Stop being so picky, buddy. Not good. You need to cut out some habits and replace them with good ones when this new year starts. Another one is to stop having such high expectations and the need for everything to be just perfect. For you, anyway. It’s unhealthy sometimes. If it’s done, let it be done. Stop cleaning the plate of the leftover stains. (You’re a messy eater, deal with it). Also, you need to start caring about how you look. How? Do something about your face, your skin. You can’t look good in pictures ‘cause your skin is polluted by dirt every day. Mom’s always fussing over your skin. May as well do something sooner rather than later, right?

 

Habit No.3: positivity. You need a cup of tea of that. Take a happy pill (not literally) every day. Smile more. Look on the bright side more, for goodness’ sake. When you’re a bit happier, you’re a more fun gal to hang with. At the same time, try to stop crying over criticisms; yeah, they do hurt, but just listen. Listen to those who want to help you change or be a better person. Listen and carry out the changes to yourself. Not in one go, though. Do it one by one. Things like these take some time. Another thing to address: don’t beat yourself up again. Don’t overthink it and blame yourself. You’re not at fault for some of the things you get into. I want you to deal with the problem and solve it. Ask for advice if needed.

 

You want that “glo-up”, right? Then love yourself more. Please. Self-confidence does wonders. Exercise more to get rid of that belly and thighs; finding jeans is pretty hard anyway. Find out your style online or something. Learn how to take good photos that look flattering. Eat less junk food and eat more healthy food. You need to stop craving food so much, and stop thinking about those good-looking carbs you see every day. No. Think about your body. Think about your studies which are an all-time priority. Stop asking for attention or seeking validation from others. If you don’t get that many likes, then that’s okay. You post what you wanna post. Let them love it or hate it. You need to feel good about yourself again. Love yourself first before you get the chance of someone loving you in return. You don’t need him to make you happy.

 

What I see you do every day is hold it in. Hold it all in until you break. Don’t do that ever again. It’s not good for you. Do something else to take your mind off the pain. Listen to music. Watch videos online. Learn new songs on the guitar. Study. Write your story. Rant it out in a diary. Talk to someone about your and their day. Read a book. Go out for fresh air. Keep yourself distracted. Do anything that will make you feel a little better. Don’t ever feel like this again. At the same time, appreciate what you have. Stop asking for more. You have enough friends and family who care. You have all the basic needs a human requires. You have a lot of stuff already. Stop trying to compensate for the void-like feeling ‘cause others have cool stuff, and you don’t. That’s a stupid idea. Don’t even dare compare yourself to others. They’re not you. You’re not them.

 

You’re surrounded by great people. Spend more time with them. Make memories with them. Get to know them better. Understand them. Talk to them when you’re stuck. Make their day by helping them with stuff whenever you can. Be kind. Be honest. Be a good friend. Be a good daughter. Make them proud and compensate for the things they’ve sacrificed. Make them not regret being your friend. You need to break down your walls a bit and let them in. Let them help you when you’re in trouble. Open up to them. Stop trying to be quiet, and think before you speak. If the first person doesn’t listen, try the second. Then the third. Keep trying until you feel better. Just listen and don’t let your words overpower theirs. Keep the conversation going.

 

Also, you need to stop procrastinating. Doing things sooner can have the best results, really. If you wanna do it, do it ASAP. Don’t leave the work until it piles up into Mount Everest. Don’t complain about the work. Keep quiet and do what you can. Keep your word, and try to fulfill your promises, no matter how hard they are. If you wanna do something big, create and finish the project. Pursue your dreams. Don’t doubt yourself. Manage your time and make some to spend for yourself and for them. Finally, you need to be strong. Stop being fragile. Don’t let yourself get hurt in the fight; defend yourself. Stop being glass and breaking under the weight. You need to find a way to grow up. It’s going to be 2018 soon, and I believe it’s going to be your year to heal.

 

Yours sincerely,

Natasha Effendy.

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